I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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