she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
