thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize