The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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