When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
