The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Randomize
