Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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