Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
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