I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
The ass gains better be worth it
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