i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
