I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
