I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize