dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize