Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
