a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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