dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I think people are normalizing furries
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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