I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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