you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
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