I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
