And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
