...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize