I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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