I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
