I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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