I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
