I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
God I need to hump something, right now.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
