i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
The beer is more important than you right now.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
