I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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