Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
