Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
