Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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