The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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