sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
