I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
