They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
