We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
