He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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