I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
