from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
