tonight lets celebrate not being married
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
