At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
We need to rekindle our bromance
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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