In the future we'll all be gay
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
