I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
