Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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