I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
