apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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