I'm so fucking centered right now
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
