Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I think I sprained my soul last night
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
