I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
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