so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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