I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
