I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
