U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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