My hand turned me down
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
