dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
