I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
