My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
