3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
sarcasm needs its own font
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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