and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
