soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
